I Hated Myself For Many Years

by AJ Mihrzad on

There was always an internal battle with the old me. The scared, stuttering, insecure, weak boy who got bullied and neglected. As I child I was shy, and I never stood up for myself. I grew up as an immigrant child, raised in a household of poverty, and experienced a lot of trauma as a kid.
As I got older, I learned how to numb my pain with food, alcohol, and drugs.

I series of drug overdoses and a near death experience that put me in a coma for 5 days changed my self destructive patterns.

After surviving and recovering, I became addicted to extreme self improvement and I became obsessed with personal development.

It worked well for me, I lost 53 lbs, became confident, overcame my stutter, stopped excessively drinking, withdrew from the drug abuse,

I started my own business and became a coach.

The only problem was that I used “the old me” as an enemy.

I’m not going to be “like the old me”.

I blocked the weakness,
because I wanted to become better, confident, and able to communicate clearly and with conviction.

I wanted, and I needed the ability to stand up for myself,
and to create something successful out of myself.

For many, many years I blocked off that old sides of me,
the sides that never served me.

The side that I was ashamed of.

But it wasn’t until I realized that the more I blocked “the old me”, the more I blocked myself,

because that is just one part of me that still shows up to this very day.

No matter how much I try to suppress my inner child, I suffer.

It wasn’t until I embraced myself wholeheartedly,
the good and the bad.

The trauma and the triumphs.

I realized that it was a part of my journey, and it was that journey, with all of its challenges that allowed me to became the man I am today.

All the pain I went through, lead to my breakthroughs.

Because of all the trauma,

I became a coach who wants to help others heal their own pain.

Now, I’m not saying that I’ve perfectly accepted myself.

I still battle with my old patterns.

I still hate myself from time to time.

But now I understand that it’s completely normal.

It wasn’t until recently, that I embraced and accepted all the parts of myself, the old me,

the new me and most importantly, my inner child, little AJ.

I believe that the neglected, wounded child is the major cause of the misery we experience as adults.

Loving your inner kid reminds you of your pure innocence and that of others.

We grow older and each day, but we stay youthful
by keeping our inner child ageless.

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