This Is Really Hard For Me To Share…

by AJ Mihrzad on

I’ve held my finger on the publish button for a very long time.

Now that you’re reading this, I decided to open up about some things that I’ve been going through.

I’ve been having a few challenges lately and it feels like I’m going through a new transition in my life.

I’ve had some breakdowns as of late and I know they are opening up space for a Major Breakthrough.

In these moments of despair,

I looked deep within to find out why I have not been feeling like myself?

One thing that keeps coming up is my desire to have my own family and to experience fatherhood.

Meeting Rafaela was one of the best things that have happened to me, despite all of the challenges I’ve faced in 2020.

As our relationship has blossomed over the past 9 months, I know that this is the next step in our lives.

I’ve also become aware of the changes I need to make within myself in order to deserve such a precious gift.

Lately, a few items came to the surface which I need to work on

and it’s not something that I’ve shared publicly,

So I followed my intuition and went to work on the things I needed to clean up.

Mostly, getting closer to my Family and focusing on more Love and contribution towards all the people in my life.

At first, things seemed to go great.

I was feeling energized and excited as I started making the changes that I’ve been putting off for so long.

I was proud of myself because these are things I’ve been meaning to do

and I was now taking the appropriate actions.

However, I was held back by a lot of inner resistance.

It was as though a part of me did not want to

Evolve to my next level.

As I was making positive changes,

I constantly saw some of my old patterns coming to the surface.

This all happened over the past few months.

Dealing with Life’s stresses and limitations from my broken leg:
My torn Quaricep, not able to walk/move like I used to,

and the ongoing pain I still feel daily from my multiple surgeries.

I began to regress back to my old ways of drinking and using different supplements to numb my body & mind.

I felt myself getting into similar patterns of when I was younger and self-medicating with supplements just to get through the day.

I continued to rationalize my behavior because these were things you can get from the internet legally

and they are far less toxic than the hardcore drugs I took when I was younger.

Regardless, I didn’t want to rely on anything…

I felt deep in my heart that I was out of integrity.

I did not Need these things so I Stopped taking them altogether.

In doing so, I lost myself and my entire world came crumbling down.

It was as if I lost my grip on life

and I forgot who I was?

I got mad at myself, because after all these years of personal growth and enjoying sobriety,

I became unconscious and Relapsed back into my old ways of self-medicating to heal my pain.

Even though I was taking these substances, I was still
getting up every morning, journaling, doing my 10 min Mindset routine, other routines & Meditating,
but I was also Self-Medicating

Just to get more Energy, Focus, Ease my Pain, and Improve my Performance as an Entrepreneur.

I rationalized that I was more Productive than ever and that these weren’t “hard drugs”…

I wasn’t addicted, but I relied on these substances which went against my core values.

All in all,

I just wanted to do the right thing and become a better person.

However by being pulled back to my old ways,

I crumbled.

I soon realized that although I took major steps forward in my life,

I took a giant step backward too.

I broke down.

And I hit rock bottom.

That’s why I decided to STOP ANYTHING that alters my mind, even if it’s safe or over the counter.

I realized that this is something that is not going to happen easily.

I understand that nothing worthwhile comes easily

to Anyone in life.

But I am Committed and sharing this with you to stay Accountable!

Rather than me just sharing a struggle that I’m having,

I also want to share a solution that we could both take away.

Often our hearts are pulled towards certain desires.

Many times, we don’t know the exact reason

and we don’t know the exact challenges that will come in the way on the path to becoming a better person.

Believe me,

when you’re wanting something so badly with your heart,

you end up receiving challenges that are difficult to see how badly you want it.

You must realize that by overcoming these challenges,

you will Rise Above

and get to the place you need to be.

By elevating yourself

you will evolve to become the person you need to be.

These are the things that form your new identity;

because once you grow into that next level version of yourself,

only then will you deserve the prize that awaits you.

I am now realizing how important it is for me to become a better man,

and this road is difficult for many reasons.

A major part of me becoming the man I need to be

is to operate with Full Authenticity.

For me to relapse into drinking and abusing supplements to numb myself was a major blow to all that I have worked on.

And it brought me to my knees.

This is why I feel the need to Share this with You honestly,

And to also to make you realize that no matter how clean and polished we portray ourselves

we are all fighting a battle that nobody else knows about.

This is a part of life.

No matter where you are in life,

the challenges and struggles you face will never ever go away.

So rather than not wanting them to exist,

You begin to welcome each set back as a way to growing into a

better version of yourself.

So today I am asking for you to share something you’re going through.

Open up your heart, express what you feel.

It does not have to be publicly on social media like I’m doing now.

Even if you call a close friend and vent about a challenge you are facing.

It begins the healing process that will make you better.

Remember, to Never worry alone.

It’s okay to ask for Help,

because we’re all going through something in one way or another.

And moving forward,

I’m going to ask for more help like I’m doing right now.

I’ve come to realize that Vulnerability is True Strength.

I am not perfect by any means and I am not afraid to admit it.

That being said,

I urge you to Communicate.

Even when it’s difficult.

If you want to Heal,

Express how you feel…

– I Appreciate You.

Previous post:

Next post: